God Wants Our Time

Okay so, a few years back a really good friend of mine kept telling me to read book after book, and I think I understood the message of each book, but sometimes it was hard to follow and it was almost as if they could have just written one chapter and that would have sufficed because it just seemed like they were making the same point, just saying it in different ways over and over again. Does that make sense? And every book that I read said the same thing, so I felt like I wasn’t learning anything, or that’s just how I felt after the first twenty or so.
Sometimes I wish I could literally write down exactly what I mean to say, or what’s all bottled up inside, because I just feel like sometimes I write down things that I’m thinking, and this is the best way I can get the thought on the page. Did I lose you? I hope not. I just want to be forward, and say exactly what I feel God has impressed upon my heart, but it doesn’t always come out how I had planned it. And sometimes something completely different emerges, it’s just like that sometimes. I hope that this isn’t another one of those moments.
Have you ever asked yourself, “Why can’t the Bible be written in plain English?” Of course you have. Well it was, and I think that is why it can be so confusing. Because we try to understand it because it’s written in our language, when we should ask God to show us how to read it in His language. Not some mumbo jumbo speaking in tongues, but see it through His eyes. After all, it’s His love letter to us, so maybe we should try and fashion our reading to the writers pen.
I deal a lot with emotion, I guess because I’m an emotional person, but it’s just the way I was put together, both of my parents can be quite the water works themselves, if you know what I mean, so it’s in my genetic make-up, I don’t know. But what I’m getting at, is a lot of the time I write according to the way that I’m feeling, and so often I read in the same way. God is not limited to emotion, or pages and ink or even anything that we can imagine. He is God, and He is the only God, and when we even try to understand Him our brain flips upside down in our skulls and we feel even dumber. But instead of trying to understand a language or a love letter or a couple of paragraphs of the Bible, maybe we should pray, and pray and pray and ask God to show us how He would want us to read the Bible. That might even take us to go to someone we know for help on the matter, or maybe it’s locking ourselves in our room for hours and reading and reading and reading so we can maybe find a little key to the words. I know that I don’t always understand what’s going on, but I will say that often I realize that even if it is words that I don’t quite understand, it’s that time that God wants to spend with us, just all by ourselves.

Just me and God.

Just you and God.

Just us and God.

It’s almost as if we were just sitting out in a field enjoying the sky and the breeze and the tall grass without saying a word with someone we love and it isn’t the words that we have together, or the lack there of, but rather the time, the presence we have together. It’s not exactly the same thing, but I think you get the idea.

God wants our time.

...simple as that.
I think that we try to complicate things so much when it comes to our belief in Christ, because when we start to understand it in the slightest sense it makes us feel as though we’ve accomplished something, which is a sad fact, because it all comes back to pride, which is one of our greatest downfalls.

Can't Quite Identify The Feeling...

Have you ever felt hopeless??

Because that's definitely not what I feel right now. It might be described as things that might seem like hopelessness, but that's not what this is.

I'm not depressed.
I'm not alone.
I'm not powerless...in a sense.

My heart does ache, and I am here by myself, but not alone.

So often I intend to write a certain something, and it turns out to be this monster of a thing, or the exact opposite...

I'm being vague, and I suppose that's what I'm really shooting for anyway, so don't condemn this quite yet.

But back to what I'm feeling.

I'm David Kill, and as most of my former readers from MySpace (which I am no longer apart of) would know full well, is that I am very proud of who I am. I have, in so many ways, built up David Kill to be this person...The Persona of David Kill I would say. But David Kill is the name that my parents gave me, and I thank them for it, because otherwise I could have been named Courtney, and well, that might not have made the greatest of names...anyway, rabbit trail, I apologize.
Back to my name...I have built up this person, this air about me that demands things I have not yet earned, or claimed things that are still an arms length away. I have not attained any status or title or anything spectacular.

I am just David Kill as of this moment.

Living and breathing because God said that it would be okay for me to live another day.

My desire for anyone who stumbles across, whatever it is that this might become...these letters that form words, and words that have meaning...is that they might touch your heart, maybe in the slightest sense, but even still.

My faith: Something I hold very dear. Not because it's my faith, but because of Who my faith is in. I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe He is the divine Son of the Living God. I believe He died to save me from a punishment I deserved before accepting his FREE GIFT.

...and that is what I want to touch your lives...or if you are sitting there reading this alone...your life.

David Kill ceasing to exist or stepping out of any spotlight I might have placed myself in, and placing Christ there where He belongs.

FINALLY THE FEELING: I titled this blog "Can't Quite Identify The Feeling..." I know that you can read, but that is prefacing the next thing I'm going to say. I have been struggling through some things, as have a whole ton of people in this economy, and I've reached a point in my life, where I have nothing...nothing but family, and friends, and that's it. No, I'm not perfect, and I haven't always made the right decisions (AKA: Jan. 19th, 2006), but I am here on this earth and whatever I might do to touch lives, which is just a very small bit, I want to do.
I can't quite identify what I'm feeling right now, because I don't feel hopeless, I don't feel alone, I don't feel betrayed or denied or depressed...I can't identify this feeling because it relates to all of those, but is really like none of them. I feel incomplete without Christ, and without who Christ intended for me to share this life with. I'm not alone, but I am without...in a sense. But I truly have everything I need, and if I don't recognize that, then I suppose all could be lost.

Let's Play God

I find myself fascinated at how often I try and play God. Or maybe it's how often I try and put myself in His shoes and speak for Him instead of letting Him speak for Himself. I guess that's the same thing. I just got home a little while ago from taking a couple of my friends to the Atlanta Airport and they gave me a cup of coffee to keep me awake on my drive home I believe once I got home the caffeine kicked in and now I'm wired to go for a while. It's 6:24am. I tried to lie down and go to sleep but God kept speaking to me, not crazy audibly or anything, I was just restless and thoughts of writing this book kept coming to my mind. So, I got up, used the restroom and jotted down a few key points that had come to mind and here I sit.

Over and over again I catch myself questioning my beliefs. Not that there's a God, or if I believe in the right thing. But almost second guessing everything that I believe on a spiritual level. Tonight something profound was almost screamed in my ear while I was trying to get back to sleep. The voice, something from within said these words, "The only one that should ever make me question anything on a spiritual level is God." How true! So often I let circumstances or someone around me make me question decisions that I make because of "conviction" or my belief system. I know most people think I'm a nut job when I mention that I'm a Christian. It's a known fact that everyone around me, friends and acquaintances know what I believe and why. But that's not why I am writing this at such an odd time in the morning, running on an hour and fifteen minutes of sleep.
I sat down at the computer this morning because I have this urge to talk about how we play God so often. How we let ourselves get bogged down in our romance with ourselves. How we try and mentally or spiritually slip God's shoes on and say, "I know how I would handle this situation". As if we could ever comprehend anything that God would do. I guess this whole topic came up because I've been feeling rotten about my life lately. I've been feeling as though I could be leading a better life. Not that I should be drinking more water instead of soda. (I probably should, but that's beside the point.) But my spiritual walk has faded. It hasn't ceased to be, it's just taken a seat on the upper deck, actually further back in the "nose bleeds", where it doesn't belong. Conviction has taken a back seat with it as well. Guilt has set in, and I find that over and over again I beat myself down spiritually because I can't accept how much I fail. And so I have a theory on guilt, it's just a theory, but it came to me while I was using the facilities earlier. When we feel guilt it's almost as if say, "if I were God, I couldn't forgive me." But God is above our finite minds. He knows we are going to mess up. He did create us. We can't understand His forgiveness and understanding because we wouldn't be so forgiving and understanding. It all comes down to how enthralled we are with ourselves instead of God.

If we even tried to wrap our tiny little heads around how understanding God is, I believe they would explode. He isn't just going to let things slide. Sin cannot go unpunished. But He isn't that fatherly figure that is going to harp on our wrongdoing for weeks and weeks. God says in His Word to us that, "If we confess our sins He will remove them from His mind, as far as the East is from the West." The last time I checked East and West don't get anywhere near each other, and God is everywhere, so that idea in and of itself makes my brain turn upside down in my head.
It's so funny how we humans act. We try and understand things, or put an explanation on certain topics that we can't even scrape the surface of. I am in the midst of one of my favorite books right now and the author is talking about how it's almost an insult to God Himself to try and make up and equation for Him. I thought that was kind of nice considering I'm not the most brilliant mind on this earth. I like that idea mostly because it reminds me of when Christ talks about faith like children. As children we tend to except things "just because". No explanation required we just go along with it. Our minds aren't tarnished by politics or opinions of elders; we just take things as they are. I wish that our mindset would be like that for our whole lives, because once we begin to grow and mature that childlike innocence disappears and everything gets complicated. A couple of years ago my friend Bobby decided that He could put God into this really neat math equation, or maybe it was chemistry, something with numbers. He showed me the whole thing, about two words into it I was lost, but it sounded really cool. I went along with it because I didn't know any better, but when he would present it to somebody it just started to feel like we were salesmen for this company called "Christ Promoters" or something like that, and this company had just come up with this pitch that could "make your whites whiter and your colors brighter". After a while we gave up on the whole thing, but it kind of gets me back to the point of trying to prove God and putting Him in an equation is almost a slap in the face of Almighty God. Putting God in an equation is the same thing as putting Him in a box. It puts limits on Someone who is not held to limits. If we could understand this then maybe we would quit trying to wear His shoes too. We could quit trying to play God and let God be God and guilt wouldn't be sleeping in the bed with us at night, rather conviction. Tomorrow is a new day for all of us. And if you have confessed your sins, given them up and told God that you really want to change then you won't feel heavy about any wrong you have done. The heaviness is guilt and guilt is not God's doing.

You're not going to live a perfect life. You can leave that up to Jesus, because He was the only one that was able to do so. He was sinless. But what will reduce the gray hairs and wrinkles is repenting and letting Christ know that you want to live a pure and holy life. But don't let your sins get the better of you and make you feel worthless because you can't go a day without messing up in some area. It's a part of life. Think of sin as sticky note reminders that remind us of our place before a Holy and Righteous, Loving God.