Hypocrite (I want to love you...)

Hey, I know that there are very few readers, and that's okay. I think I use this more for a journal or diary or whatever anyway, so if it's just me that reads this, then great. But if not. That's cool too.

Work has been challenging as of late. Last time I posted I had been moved to a new location, I was working in Decatur, and it was a constant struggle. My boss saw that I had been doing some good there and decided to send me to Atlanta, 3.8 miles down the road from where I was...so not a huge change, but kinda. The location isn't as busy, so there is a lot of growth that can happen, which is a great thing, but going from the place I was to this has been a constant reminder of how I'm totally taken care of, and Someone is looking out for me...to put it lightly.

God has been faithful, in other words.

The latest news...

I'm getting married, and becoming a father. My child is growing strong in Shannon's belly and we're super excited about becoming parents, and also sojourning into new uncharted waters. God has continued to look out for us and place people in our lives to encourage and strengthen us, as well as challenge us. Reminding us that, yes, we love each other more than anything in the world, but then there's God, or Creator and our relationship with Him.

We were challenged to be pure, and He placed our little girl in our lives, and now He's placed people in our lives to keep us from idolatry, which is something both of us have struggled with throughout our lives.

I have really changed a lot in the past few months, trying to be mindful of others and their feelings, I've been such a selfish prick and such a bastard. Anyone reading this will know that's the truth, I have nothing to be proud of and nothing to hold over anyone, and I honestly tried, and it was really stupid. I hate the fact that I was aiming to be something I really could never be, and I hurt people, and really damaged relationships that God placed in my life for a reason, and now, because of the things I said or did people who could have had a relationship with Christ are probably questioning why they would every want anything I had, especially if I lived the way I did. How was I any different from anyone else? I didn't act like I had anything that they would ever want.

I have a lot of growing to do, but I have been definitely making a conscious effort to make a difference and not be so heartless.

I have for years preached on how the church should take a stand on making a difference by loving people, and I'm the poster child for the crowd I was preaching against. I'm a judgmental person, I do the things I hate, and fight to change. I'm such a hypocrite. Through and through. I don't deserve forgiveness but I can definitely say I'm begging for it. I'm so broken over what I've done and how I have acted towards so many people. There is nothing special about me. I am only human. I bleed when you cut me. I am not a superhero. I am not a superstar. I'm just an average person with normal problems. Forgive my hypocrisy. I want to love you. I want to do what's best for you. My soul is crying out, because more than anything I want to help people. I need help. I am not a great person and I need more help than most of you. But if there is ever anything burning on your soul or something you can't shake, please feel free to talk to me. I'm an open book and I will talk to you about anything, and try my damnedest to listen, I try to be a good listener, but that is another area I need to work on.

But I am here.

I love you.

DK

Acoustic Anberlin and A/C

So I'm stealing Internet from somebody upstairs right now, and I'm hearing an acoustic Anberlin song with some A/C in the background.
I miss the world.
I feel a little disconnected. I'm quite enveloped with my job, and sometimes that's harder to admit than others, but it's just fine admitting it right now. I'm somewhat of an addict honestly. Work. Obsessing over...God knows what...I'm really a mess. I don't have anything together. I mean, N-E-THING. HA...good ole Step Brothers. Anyway...I'm in Roswell, and I really love it here. I'm such a restless soul. I'll probably dislike it before February, but who knows. I've grown up, I'm still growing up...I have a lot to learn, yet I've learned so much. Mostly about myself, which sounds so conceited, but it's the truth. I've learned that most people know more about me, and I do. I'm smug, I'm a jerk, I'm selfish...probably the most selfish person on the planet, yet I am loved. A lot of people love me. Truly love me, and in this moment I wonder why. What have I really offered the world?? Anything good?? Anything at all??
My selfishness makes me yearn more than usual. I've been searching for the answers, all the answers, my whole life. I want to know...just something. I watched "Searching for Bobby Fischer" just a bit ago, and it was so encouraging to see someone that young so good at something, in the same moment, I sat there and questioned myself. What have I offered?? What of worth do to present?? Valid questions, yet madness...I'm an enigma to myself, and as unfair as it seems, I don't care. I find myself feeling things that I honestly shouldn't feel, and I also find myself feeling nothing at all when I should be broken, problematic and filled with anguish...I am broken, I am more disgusted with myself than before, years before now, when I would drool all over myself because I was so blitzed out of my mind...I hate this...I don't hate Who is inside me, but I hate the human side of me. I am nothing. I have nothing to offer. If I were merely spirit I would probably be more positive, I would probably taste things differently. I would probably be less wishy washy, and more of a solid figure...not physically of course, but emotionally and more importantly my soul would be solid. I am not good. I am utterly muck, the spokesperson for sinners. I am redeemed, but more than anything I realize how unworthy I am. Why would someone perfect sacrifice so much? You are such a breath of fresh air God! Jesus Christ! You Are! You Are that You Are!!
Make it make sense. Answer my life questions...fill my soul with contentment knowing nothing. Strip me of this entitlement! I am such a dirty person...Let me recognize my sin. The being not worthy of a soul, not worthy of grace, not worthy of existence. Strip me...bare!

I love you!

Maybe I Shouldn't...

Okay. So I just read this whole conversation, and it was really troubling. Who the parties involved are doesn't really have anything to do with it, it's just the whole ordeal. If someone came to me and told me how much of a terrible person I am because of the decisions I've made, they would probably be 100% on point. My past is my past, and I have made some really poor decisions, from some of those decisions I have learned, and others I've actually had to make a time or two before I actually did learn from it.
With that being said, this conversation...this individual starts off the conversation trying to give the recipient a guilt trip about betrayal, among other pretty heavy accusations. All of this being based on the fact that this person is hurt. Listen dude, just because you're hurt doesn't give you the right to hurt other people. You think that your family hates you because you have these preconceived notions that they feel a certain way towards you...get over yourself dude, you have no idea what they've sacrificed for you. You're not seeing the big picture, you're seeing what you want to see. You blame every single person in existance for being selfish, yet when things don't appease your desires you throw a miniture tantrum and say everyone is your enemy trying to get you and hurt you, dude, get over yourself, really.
Yeah, so you were hurt...who hasn't been hurt?? You are being absolutely riduculous and if you think otherwise look in the mirror and ask yourself if you're really offering the world a selfless person...you're no martyr! You've hit a rough spot, your life is probably a big huge rough spot according to you. But you are living, you are breathing, and maybe you should consider that a blessing, ya know?
I'm really sorry that you feel so hurt by others actions. It happens dude! You have so many problems and you have all this weight on you, but how much of it has now become this routine because you're so used to the pain...now you're a self-proclaimed, self-inflicted macsocist. I have been there...no not the exact same stuff, but pain is a part of life. I've made some awful decisions and it landed me in some really bad places, but I came through it. My parents never gave me the rough treatment, although I did feel a little neglected at times, but I'm the youngest of 6 kids, so it wasn't neglect, they just had to multitask like pro's. Anyway, my point being, there are always going to be things that you're going to get in your head because you feel a certain way, but because the world doesn't revolve around you, you're probably wrong, and under these circumstances, honestly, there's no way that you're right.
You have a soul, and you are loved. Sometimes you won't feel that way, but it's the truth. People are going to always do things that are selfish because people what to do what's in their best interest, that's just how the world turns. I'm sorry that you feel so betrayed, but you're not. What has betrayed you is your own self, so get over yourself and live...get over this whole mindset that you've been done wrong...because you haven't!

the end.

DK

Not So Still...Small Voice.

I get to talking and I won't shut up. I try to think of me as if I were talking to myself, or if I stepped into your shoes and heard me, or read my writings. It's not very good, and I'm oober critical, even when I don't need to be.
I've updated my twitter which in-turn updates my facebook, and I've been doing everything I can to please everyone, and it's pulled me apart, and I'm like...AAHHH!!! I have somewhat lost sight of what really matters, and I'm trying to get things back on track, but it's hard. :\ I feel so scatterbrained in a way, and I've been doing everything I can to separate things in my life and keep them nice and organized, but that's a whole lot easier said than done...so I struggle on.
I'm back in Griffin and I've been here for about 4 or 5 months, and the transition is still kind of getting to me, but I'm trying to shift with ease, and I'm just not too sure of myself...does that even make any sense??
A couple of years ago, I noticed that I show a certain side of myself in each area of my life, and I think that maybe what I was talking about earlier with my life kind of being separated like a filing cabinet has seeped over into other areas of my life, and so I kind of have this whole multiple personalities thing going on, and it's really weird. I'm trying to get everything in order, yet still be myself...idk, I'm not making any sense.
I wrote down the title for this before I even started, I guess to break my normal cycle of just writing about whatever and going from there. So I decided to title it first so I would have a little bit of guidance into what I would try and write about, and so far, that hasn't work, but I do wanna talk about the title a little bit...
I have a BIG MOUTH!! ha...that would sum up all of this paragraph, but I haven't even started. I want to say that I hold my tongue when I should, but I really don't...I should more, and I tried to today at work, but sometimes it just gets the best of me. I've been working on my speech and how I interact with others, just because I noticed my negative, so I was gonna work on it today, just taking it one day at a time, ya know? I kept catching myself saying stuff, and like mid-sentence I would stop and be like...no...new subject...my co-workers must of thought I was out of my mind...ha! Anyway, I'm trying to be a little more humble...and I feel in some ways it's not working. I wrote a song a few months back, and I'm gonna quote it, which might be kind of weird, but bear with me...

I just want You to see that I'm trying humility,
But it doesn't seem to be working,
My pride, it seems to rule my life,
And my heart, it seems to be full of deceit.

I guess I'm kind of back where I was then, in a way...idk. I want to be humble, and I'm a Kill, but that's not excuse. We're a very prideful group of people, and sometimes I want to just break free from the routine, the same old stuff, the excuses and hardships that follow...am I back to not making sense? I don't want to sound like a crazy person, but sometimes I think that I should be considered by the people in white coats...ha!

Christ is the focal point of my life, and sometimes when I get off point, I struggle with things...let me rephrase that. Christ is the center of my life, because I've given up my life to Him, so He can guide me through it, and because I've confessed with everything in me that He is my Lord and Savior and I can't do a single thing without Him...because I've done so, I focus on Him for guidance and peace, and when I shift my focus to something else I struggle, not sometimes, not here and there, anytime I do, I struggle. I notice it, and sometimes ignore it, and still, from time to time I try and take hold of it on my own and only make matters worse. I say from time to time, but that's definitely what I struggle with more than anything.
Saying all that, I get back to my mouth, and how much I talk too much. I know that sometimes I have good things to say, but when I don't, I guess it's like the old saying goes, "If it's not nice, don't say it", or something like that. I talk in circles and talk in circles and feel like I'm getting nowhere, but if I just let go, then the solution more often than not presents itself...isn't it incredible??

Be encouraged.
DK

No More Epiphanies.

I think sometimes I just want to sound smart, so I try and use big words so people will be impressed. I like people to like me, even if it's for the dumbest things, I really try. I should wear a big sign around my neck that says "haters make me lose sleep", or something along those lines. But I'm tired of my blah blogs, and I won't continue on this path, so it's time for some new content. As of right now, I don't know what that means, but it means something, and hopefully that means...B-E-T-T-E-R! (No that's not supposed to make you think of cheerleaders, but I'm sure it did) I want the content to mean something, I want it to grip you, and I feel as tho I have completely missed the mark lately...well, probably altogether. Which is no good. I say that a lot, ya know. Well, a new leaf must turn, and this time I won't cop out and sacrifice quality for the "mumbo jumbo" people want to read. I'm just going to write on topics that first come to mind, and the first one is...

Politics: Uh-oh!

My first reaction is to write a bunch of stuff, and then hit the Delete button because I know that politics is probably one of the worst topics to bring up mostly, but here goes...I have only voted twice. I have voted Republican both times, and mainly because I thought that through my research that the GOP presented the best candidate for office, and I still feel that way even now. Yes, the popular vote went to the young politician from Chicago, but I don't think that he was the best choice, and by the time his term is up most of this great country will agree with my opinion on that. Anyway, it's over, and done with, and now it's time to do the best with what we've got, and as much as my instincts are telling me to bash him, my beliefs tell me I must respect his position and trust that he was appointed to it for a purpose.
You know I'm a Christian. I might not actually be the perfect picture of what a Christian looks like in your head, but that doesn't mean I'm not one.

"My sole occupation in reference to my faith is to glorify God..."

...glorify the Triune God, the One True God. By saying that I am going to glorify Him that says that I am pledging to show anyone and everyone how drawn to Him I am. How much He makes me so helplessly in love with Him. I am chasing after Him because He has beckoned me. I am being chased by Him, because He is chasing His bride, no matter how unfaithful I have been to Him in every aspect of my life.

I brought up my faith again, because I have felt as tho when I voted, and when I will vote time after time in the future that I will vote for the man that God shows to me that I should vote for. I don't want to be cliché and act as tho I'm perfect because I seek His wisdom for those decisions, but I must seek Him in every decision I make, and I haven't always done that.
I titled this blog "No More Epiphanies", because I'm tired of being so full of crap that I post just "whatever" stuff. I want to inspire. I want to touch lives like never before. I want to show you a glimpse of the immense capacity for greatness that is inside of me that can only be filled with God and God alone.
I want to dedicate all of my time to Him.
I want to be completely just "awef;lakjwe;flkjawe;lkfja;we" with Him...ya know?
I know that chaos will always exist because the world is full of people and people are chaotic, I get that, I really do. But that doesn't mean that my life is meant to be chaotic and that I have to be apart of that. I won't ever have it all together, but I can at least have the little bit that I know I can have together, together...HA! You need Him. I have Him. Ask...

DK

A Little Off My Game...

Readers, family, friends, all of you. I feel as though I have been a little out there lately and I'm sorry if my material has seemed to lack it's "goodness" maybe. I don't know, maybe it was never good, but lately it just hasn't seemed to be any good whatsoever, and I'm sorry. Tonight, I have been thinking over some things, and maybe it's because of this weekends events or just the way things have seemed to change in my life recently, but I really want to be apart of something great. I want to push forward, and make something of myself. If that includes Rite Aid, and being their best employee and pushing through and being great because of it, well, awesome. I don't really know what this means, or where this seems to be taking me, but I know that I want to be great right where I am.
I have an amazing girlfriend. Kaylee Cobb. She has been such an inspiration to me and things I've been striving to do and I can't say that I can thank her enough for being so supportive when things seemed to be at their worst.
My family. No, they aren't the greatest at times, but when I need them, they seem to be there...well when they wanna be, but they're there regardless, somehow.
My friends. You guys. The true friends that have really stuck it out with me, you guys have really helped me in ways you will never understand, and I thank you. Even when I lost all want to do anything, all I could think about was sleeping til 1PM and playing VGs, but you guys helped me thru it, even when you fed my addiction a little too much...ha!
My Lord. Jesus, You are honestly my best friend. I have shafted You over and over again, and even tho I fear You, and I should, You are really intimidating sometimes, You really stick it out, You push thru it, hell, You are the only real reason I can push thru it myself. Really, You are the one that allows me to do anything because instead of just being there, you pick me up and carry me thru it. You've endured it so I can. You, God, you are my Father, my Savior, my Mentor, my Life. I can't even begin to express who You are, because if I tried I wouldn't be describing you, I would be describing things that are maybe a .001% of You, and that's not justice, so I'll just praise you, and hopefully that joyful noise will suffice until I can tackle You when I finally get to see YouR face. Breathless. I'd say quit doing that, but You can't help it...You are just being You, and even tho You could just stand there and do nothing, that nothing would be far beyond any something I could ever accomplish. Enamored. Not infatuated. Not this halfway tangible, almost fake kind of definition of love, but true intoxication, a swelling in my spirit, the depths of my sole, puny, minimal, blah existence. You breathed life into me, because You, the Creator of the Universe, wanted a relationship with me...I can't even try and understand that, I mean, I've tried, but it only makes me feel crazy. I can't stop going on and on about You, because You have it all, You have ALL of ME.

Just thought You should know, if You're the only one that reads this that this is all about You...and that a-l-l isn't limited to this blog, it's not even limited to my spec, my flair, my evaporating little "puh" of existence. You can have it all, You already do, I just wanted to say that.

-DK

Why?

More important than the question is the origin of it. Our curiousity wants to play with the simple fact that we don't have the answers to everything, so we search. Although we haven't quite gotten them all, and never will, we still search. Trying to have all the answers is like carrying more apples in your arms than you can handle, some will fall out and some will remain that you did not intend. We don't even understand how our brains work in it's entirety, so how are we going to try and fit every bit of knowledge in it? Well if we don't understand how our brains work, then we can't know everything, can we? We can't even know all of the knowledge that is known. We all have some sense that there is much more to discover, and much more outside of our grasp of understanding. For instance, we can look through a telescope and see stars that are far beyond our human eyes, but we can't use that telescope to see on the other side of those very same stars, now can we?
We can plan out a day, and figure in all possibilities, but that does not mean that the day will turn out as we've planned it, including all variables. One could hardly tell you what they've had for dinner the past few months, let alone how many times a crumb has fallen to the floor when they've taken a bite. We just can't handle all the information. Our finite brains aren't equipped for it.
So, why? The origin of the question...our own curiosity to understand something that is far beyond our grasp. This question, not so much the letters or really even the word, but the meaning of the word. The fabric of our beliefs could possibly rest in this very philosophical question. We could follow "why?" with so many things. Probably the most notorious of them all is "why are we here?" But that is not what the question is asking. It's just asking, so simply, why?
We should not be democratic (referring to the political party, not the actual definition of the word) in our answer, and ask "why not?" We must answer the question, with an actual answer, and that answer might seem illusive, considering there are many different answers to what would seem to be a very vague question. But the problem we face is our own minds. We want to factor in the answers of another, or many others for that matter, because we want to have their approval. We completely let our argument lose it's power by our aim to please others, when we should stand behind what we believe no matter what.

So...again...why?
It's not a question that should be avoided, or thought too far above our brain power. Everyone should be given the chance to answer it with a real answer.
Why?
The source of this curiosity is instilled in us the very moment we are conceived. We have something inside of us, wanting to know the answers, wanting more, and wanting this void filled in us. We have nothing to lose answering what we think this void-filler might be, but at the same time we have a very good chance of being very right or very wrong. But who cares of we're right or wrong, we have the right to say what we believe.
So, why? After all these words that have been typed, not one of them has really answered the initial question, or maybe it just seems that way.

What do you think??