Hypocrite (I want to love you...)

Hey, I know that there are very few readers, and that's okay. I think I use this more for a journal or diary or whatever anyway, so if it's just me that reads this, then great. But if not. That's cool too.

Work has been challenging as of late. Last time I posted I had been moved to a new location, I was working in Decatur, and it was a constant struggle. My boss saw that I had been doing some good there and decided to send me to Atlanta, 3.8 miles down the road from where I was...so not a huge change, but kinda. The location isn't as busy, so there is a lot of growth that can happen, which is a great thing, but going from the place I was to this has been a constant reminder of how I'm totally taken care of, and Someone is looking out for me...to put it lightly.

God has been faithful, in other words.

The latest news...

I'm getting married, and becoming a father. My child is growing strong in Shannon's belly and we're super excited about becoming parents, and also sojourning into new uncharted waters. God has continued to look out for us and place people in our lives to encourage and strengthen us, as well as challenge us. Reminding us that, yes, we love each other more than anything in the world, but then there's God, or Creator and our relationship with Him.

We were challenged to be pure, and He placed our little girl in our lives, and now He's placed people in our lives to keep us from idolatry, which is something both of us have struggled with throughout our lives.

I have really changed a lot in the past few months, trying to be mindful of others and their feelings, I've been such a selfish prick and such a bastard. Anyone reading this will know that's the truth, I have nothing to be proud of and nothing to hold over anyone, and I honestly tried, and it was really stupid. I hate the fact that I was aiming to be something I really could never be, and I hurt people, and really damaged relationships that God placed in my life for a reason, and now, because of the things I said or did people who could have had a relationship with Christ are probably questioning why they would every want anything I had, especially if I lived the way I did. How was I any different from anyone else? I didn't act like I had anything that they would ever want.

I have a lot of growing to do, but I have been definitely making a conscious effort to make a difference and not be so heartless.

I have for years preached on how the church should take a stand on making a difference by loving people, and I'm the poster child for the crowd I was preaching against. I'm a judgmental person, I do the things I hate, and fight to change. I'm such a hypocrite. Through and through. I don't deserve forgiveness but I can definitely say I'm begging for it. I'm so broken over what I've done and how I have acted towards so many people. There is nothing special about me. I am only human. I bleed when you cut me. I am not a superhero. I am not a superstar. I'm just an average person with normal problems. Forgive my hypocrisy. I want to love you. I want to do what's best for you. My soul is crying out, because more than anything I want to help people. I need help. I am not a great person and I need more help than most of you. But if there is ever anything burning on your soul or something you can't shake, please feel free to talk to me. I'm an open book and I will talk to you about anything, and try my damnedest to listen, I try to be a good listener, but that is another area I need to work on.

But I am here.

I love you.

DK

Acoustic Anberlin and A/C

So I'm stealing Internet from somebody upstairs right now, and I'm hearing an acoustic Anberlin song with some A/C in the background.
I miss the world.
I feel a little disconnected. I'm quite enveloped with my job, and sometimes that's harder to admit than others, but it's just fine admitting it right now. I'm somewhat of an addict honestly. Work. Obsessing over...God knows what...I'm really a mess. I don't have anything together. I mean, N-E-THING. HA...good ole Step Brothers. Anyway...I'm in Roswell, and I really love it here. I'm such a restless soul. I'll probably dislike it before February, but who knows. I've grown up, I'm still growing up...I have a lot to learn, yet I've learned so much. Mostly about myself, which sounds so conceited, but it's the truth. I've learned that most people know more about me, and I do. I'm smug, I'm a jerk, I'm selfish...probably the most selfish person on the planet, yet I am loved. A lot of people love me. Truly love me, and in this moment I wonder why. What have I really offered the world?? Anything good?? Anything at all??
My selfishness makes me yearn more than usual. I've been searching for the answers, all the answers, my whole life. I want to know...just something. I watched "Searching for Bobby Fischer" just a bit ago, and it was so encouraging to see someone that young so good at something, in the same moment, I sat there and questioned myself. What have I offered?? What of worth do to present?? Valid questions, yet madness...I'm an enigma to myself, and as unfair as it seems, I don't care. I find myself feeling things that I honestly shouldn't feel, and I also find myself feeling nothing at all when I should be broken, problematic and filled with anguish...I am broken, I am more disgusted with myself than before, years before now, when I would drool all over myself because I was so blitzed out of my mind...I hate this...I don't hate Who is inside me, but I hate the human side of me. I am nothing. I have nothing to offer. If I were merely spirit I would probably be more positive, I would probably taste things differently. I would probably be less wishy washy, and more of a solid figure...not physically of course, but emotionally and more importantly my soul would be solid. I am not good. I am utterly muck, the spokesperson for sinners. I am redeemed, but more than anything I realize how unworthy I am. Why would someone perfect sacrifice so much? You are such a breath of fresh air God! Jesus Christ! You Are! You Are that You Are!!
Make it make sense. Answer my life questions...fill my soul with contentment knowing nothing. Strip me of this entitlement! I am such a dirty person...Let me recognize my sin. The being not worthy of a soul, not worthy of grace, not worthy of existence. Strip me...bare!

I love you!