Acoustic Anberlin and A/C

So I'm stealing Internet from somebody upstairs right now, and I'm hearing an acoustic Anberlin song with some A/C in the background.
I miss the world.
I feel a little disconnected. I'm quite enveloped with my job, and sometimes that's harder to admit than others, but it's just fine admitting it right now. I'm somewhat of an addict honestly. Work. Obsessing over...God knows what...I'm really a mess. I don't have anything together. I mean, N-E-THING. HA...good ole Step Brothers. Anyway...I'm in Roswell, and I really love it here. I'm such a restless soul. I'll probably dislike it before February, but who knows. I've grown up, I'm still growing up...I have a lot to learn, yet I've learned so much. Mostly about myself, which sounds so conceited, but it's the truth. I've learned that most people know more about me, and I do. I'm smug, I'm a jerk, I'm selfish...probably the most selfish person on the planet, yet I am loved. A lot of people love me. Truly love me, and in this moment I wonder why. What have I really offered the world?? Anything good?? Anything at all??
My selfishness makes me yearn more than usual. I've been searching for the answers, all the answers, my whole life. I want to know...just something. I watched "Searching for Bobby Fischer" just a bit ago, and it was so encouraging to see someone that young so good at something, in the same moment, I sat there and questioned myself. What have I offered?? What of worth do to present?? Valid questions, yet madness...I'm an enigma to myself, and as unfair as it seems, I don't care. I find myself feeling things that I honestly shouldn't feel, and I also find myself feeling nothing at all when I should be broken, problematic and filled with anguish...I am broken, I am more disgusted with myself than before, years before now, when I would drool all over myself because I was so blitzed out of my mind...I hate this...I don't hate Who is inside me, but I hate the human side of me. I am nothing. I have nothing to offer. If I were merely spirit I would probably be more positive, I would probably taste things differently. I would probably be less wishy washy, and more of a solid figure...not physically of course, but emotionally and more importantly my soul would be solid. I am not good. I am utterly muck, the spokesperson for sinners. I am redeemed, but more than anything I realize how unworthy I am. Why would someone perfect sacrifice so much? You are such a breath of fresh air God! Jesus Christ! You Are! You Are that You Are!!
Make it make sense. Answer my life questions...fill my soul with contentment knowing nothing. Strip me of this entitlement! I am such a dirty person...Let me recognize my sin. The being not worthy of a soul, not worthy of grace, not worthy of existence. Strip me...bare!

I love you!