I've updated my twitter which in-turn updates my facebook, and I've been doing everything I can to please everyone, and it's pulled me apart, and I'm like...AAHHH!!! I have somewhat lost sight of what really matters, and I'm trying to get things back on track, but it's hard. :\ I feel so scatterbrained in a way, and I've been doing everything I can to separate things in my life and keep them nice and organized, but that's a whole lot easier said than done...so I struggle on.
I'm back in Griffin and I've been here for about 4 or 5 months, and the transition is still kind of getting to me, but I'm trying to shift with ease, and I'm just not too sure of myself...does that even make any sense??
A couple of years ago, I noticed that I show a certain side of myself in each area of my life, and I think that maybe what I was talking about earlier with my life kind of being separated like a filing cabinet has seeped over into other areas of my life, and so I kind of have this whole multiple personalities thing going on, and it's really weird. I'm trying to get everything in order, yet still be myself...idk, I'm not making any sense.
I wrote down the title for this before I even started, I guess to break my normal cycle of just writing about whatever and going from there. So I decided to title it first so I would have a little bit of guidance into what I would try and write about, and so far, that hasn't work, but I do wanna talk about the title a little bit...
I have a BIG MOUTH!! ha...that would sum up all of this paragraph, but I haven't even started. I want to say that I hold my tongue when I should, but I really don't...I should more, and I tried to today at work, but sometimes it just gets the best of me. I've been working on my speech and how I interact with others, just because I noticed my negative, so I was gonna work on it today, just taking it one day at a time, ya know? I kept catching myself saying stuff, and like mid-sentence I would stop and be like...no...new subject...my co-workers must of thought I was out of my mind...ha! Anyway, I'm trying to be a little more humble...and I feel in some ways it's not working. I wrote a song a few months back, and I'm gonna quote it, which might be kind of weird, but bear with me...
I just want You to see that I'm trying humility,
But it doesn't seem to be working,
My pride, it seems to rule my life,
And my heart, it seems to be full of deceit.
I guess I'm kind of back where I was then, in a way...idk. I want to be humble, and I'm a Kill, but that's not excuse. We're a very prideful group of people, and sometimes I want to just break free from the routine, the same old stuff, the excuses and hardships that follow...am I back to not making sense? I don't want to sound like a crazy person, but sometimes I think that I should be considered by the people in white coats...ha!
Christ is the focal point of my life, and sometimes when I get off point, I struggle with things...let me rephrase that. Christ is the center of my life, because I've given up my life to Him, so He can guide me through it, and because I've confessed with everything in me that He is my Lord and Savior and I can't do a single thing without Him...because I've done so, I focus on Him for guidance and peace, and when I shift my focus to something else I struggle, not sometimes, not here and there, anytime I do, I struggle. I notice it, and sometimes ignore it, and still, from time to time I try and take hold of it on my own and only make matters worse. I say from time to time, but that's definitely what I struggle with more than anything.
Saying all that, I get back to my mouth, and how much I talk too much. I know that sometimes I have good things to say, but when I don't, I guess it's like the old saying goes, "If it's not nice, don't say it", or something like that. I talk in circles and talk in circles and feel like I'm getting nowhere, but if I just let go, then the solution more often than not presents itself...isn't it incredible??
Be encouraged.
DK
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